KING-SLAYER SEIZED
ROBERT GRAHAM CAPTURED WITHOUT A FIGHT
LOYAL ATHOLLMEN SAY ‘HE BEGGED US TO KILL HIM’
TRAITOR’S SON TAKEN IN SEPARATE COUP
QUEEN CONFIRMS ALL OF WICKED GANG WILL HAVE FAIR TRIAL ‘THEY’LL SUFFER THE FULL PENALTY FOR TRAITORS’, SHE DECLARES.
Professor Richard Oram.
In breaking news this morning brought by runner from Atholl overnight, it has been confirmed that the chief regicide and foulest of the cruel, Godless traitors who slew our beloved late liege lord, King James of blessed memory, Robert Graham, has been caught cowering in his lair in the mountains. As bands of loyal men scoured the glens and moors in the most evil of wintry weather, we have learned that Graham had been going from house to house seeking hospitality and shelter in the belief that the true men of the land would welcome him as a hero rather than the faithless, bloody-handed murderer that he is. When the lords of Struan and Garth heard how the false knight, masquerading as a wronged fugitive, was abusing the kindness of their people, and offended by his attempt to buy their silence with promises of land and wealth when the evil serpent by whose design he had acted, Walter Stewart, that festering, venom-spewing toad of deception, had taken the crown of his nephew, they ordered his arrest. Drunk with his wickedness, bloated on the fat of his crime, and drowsy with torpor from his debauched excesses, he was caught unarmed and unready by men who sought only honour rather than the blood-soaked promise of gold from the purse of a Son of Satan.
Reports of his arrest sent to the High Constable’s depute and seen by our reporters say that Graham wept as they bound him and pleaded with them to either release him or kill him. ‘I am meat for the gibbet crows’, he is reported to have cried, ‘give me a clean death and an honourable one’. That a man who gave our beloved liege lord such a foul end should beg for the pity and mercy of true and loyal servants of the crown beggars belief. But he showed his true colours when he also claimed to be their saviour, who had freed them from a tyrant. ‘You should be honouring me for the service I have done you,’ says the report of his words, ‘not betraying me to the slave-masters who will bind you in servitude’. The lord of Struan threatened to cut out his tongue to stop him spreading his poisonous wickedness but contented himself with instead stuffing his mouth with rags to silence his lies.
We have learned also that the youth, Thomas Graham, that corrupt seed of a diseased stock, was found hiding in a hole near where his father was taken. Abandoned by his own parent, the beardless boy whom Robert Graham had dragged from the light of innocence and faith into the shadows of depravity and wickedness, wept as he was taken and fouled himself life an unweaned bairn. ‘I spared the queen’, he is reported to have cried repeatedly, ‘spare me’. But we say that this festering spawn of a blood-hungry traitor must make the full payment for his crimes, lest he spreads his seed in future to give life to a new generation of treasonous vipers.
Our lady queen has proclaimed public celebration for this joyous news from Atholl. Even as Graham and his son are brought to Perth, no doubt to join Walter Stewart and his equally depraved grandson in chains in Edinburgh, the bells of St John’s kirk and the church of the Dominicans are tolling in celebration. But the ever-merciful Queen Joan, who always interceded with the late king, her husband, on behalf of traitors, has promised that they will all have a fair trial before their execution, so that all the world might know the enormity of their crimes. Once they have confessed, she has promised, they will understand the truth of royal justice and experience the reality on this earth of the eternity of suffering that awaits them in the deepest pits of hell to which they will be consigned.
In other news, remaining members of the gang of villains who joined the regicides in their attack on the King’s House are still being rounded up in Highland Perthshire. The Chambers have been arrested together on the bounds of Badenoch, while another group headed by one John Hall, who is said to have been the first to assault King James, was caught fleeing west. The prisoners are being taken variously to Edinburgh and Stirling, where they might be held secure until their trial, assured conviction, and certain execution.
We thank God that this poison has been purged from our veins, that these pawns of evil have been rounded up so quickly. It gives us hope that truth, loyalty and honour will always win over the promise of riches and power won through the spilling of innocent, holy blood. The late King James of sacred memory always promised that the law would offer his people surer protection than the sword. Now let the sword of justice honour his memory and cut forever the heads from this hydra of evil that has lurked in our midst for so long.